ZOMG!!! R-PATTZ!!!

ZOMG!!! R-PATTZ!!!

He’s so hot! I would totally lose my 11-year-old virginity to him!

WTF is this shit?

This is why other countries hate us so much. It’s got nothing to do with our economic policies. It has everything to do with “R-Pattz.” No, not him specifically, but the media machine which takes some shithole who just got out of bed and turns him into a sparkly vampire.

VAMPIRES DON’T FUCKIN SPARKLE!!!

What’s next? Frankenstein in a pink tube top? Gimme a fuckin break!

Bela Lugosi is turning over in his fuckin grave right now. Now that’s a vampire. That’s a classy vampire. That’s how you get the shit done. Young, sparkly fart-blossom here looks like he can’t remember his damn name.

” I didn’t know there was a ‘z’ in my name.”

“STFU, assface.”

Look at him…it’s like his battery died. I should get the jumper cables out of the trunk of my car and clamp them to his butt cheeks.

I want to meet the shithead who gave the corporate teenie-bopper industry the impression that replacing the letter ‘s’ with the letter ‘z’ automatically makes you hip. They do it like it’s some radical departure from the norm…like it’s some hardcore shit…like they’re the N.W.A. of grammar.

“Lookie here, bitches…If we replace the ‘s’ with a ‘z,’ our sales will go through the roof.”
“Fo shizzle.”
“Bitch-ass parents will be all like, ‘Oh my God! Look at these hip gangsta mutha fuckas who are breaking all the rules. They’re using ‘z’ instead of ‘s.’ They may influence my adolescent, R-Pattz loving white daughter. Next thing you know, she’s 16, pregnant and dating the black foreign exchange student from Ghana.’”

I’m 32-years-old. I’m a product of the 80s. I had a Rubix Cube, a gray Members Only jacket, Michael Jackson’s “Thriller” album, an E.T. bicycle, and a pet rock…which died a week after I got it.

But I don’t recall this bubble gum crap being as popular as it is today.

*recalls Bananarama*

OK…one exception.

*recalls Tiffany*

Alright, two…two exceptions.

*recalls Huey Lewis & The News*

…god damnit…